You Can Do Eet

Last night, Justin got Elizabeth to eat all of her milk by bottle, which was nice then that she didn't have to get the rest by gavage. This morning, without any help, I got her to breast feed for 5 or 6 minutes. She didn't even fuss, just plugged right in and did it! Yay Lizzy! They said there had been a little bit of bleeding in her incision, but they don't seem too concerned about it. Other than that, things are looking good. 

Are you kidding? I'm everybody's favorite.

 

Little tootsies. :)

Today we learned that they just can't get an IV to stay on her. This is partially due to her kicking, pulling, what have you at them. So since they don't have a way to give her the TPN, they put an NG tube in her stomach through her nose. She will still have regular feeds, they will just use the tube to supplement what she doesn't take on her own. 

This will help her be able to pace herself while she learns, but still get the nutrients and fluids she needs. Tonight they will do a slow drip feed to help her stomach figure out its proper way to function. 

I also learned today that my Grandma might be passing soon. At any rate, her condition has worsened. It's been a long time coming, but hearing this just makes it more real. I'm trying to grapple with knowing I need to be here with my baby, and she would say as much, but feeling bad that I wouldn't be able to go to her funeral when she passes. 

Knowing that she will be with Grandpa again makes me feel happy for her, and then she could come in spirit to meet Elizabeth. It still is sad for me too though. I would appreciate prayers for my emotional well being. Thank you, all. The faith, support, and prayers have been felt and have brought us this far. 

Stop! Hammer Time!

While her central line was in, aside from parents this was the rule for everyone else.

Stop! Central line!

Now that her central line has been removed I'm sure there's a question burning in a lot of grandparents' minds. Well, let's just say that her wound should heal in two days and we've been given the clear to let you guys hold her. 

One less attachment! Hammer time!

Game Plans

The speech therapist came to assess how Elizabeth feeds but our little girl was rather sleepy. After asking us how it's been and looking at her cues, she felt it was best to not force food on her, let her dictate when she wants it as long as there's enough time in between feeds for her stomach to get used to processing food. 

I was very happy to hear this and that it's about quality feeds, not quantity. They've been bumping her up so fast and expecting her to be able to take it, and that's just not feasible for a baby that's been through what she has. I think this will put less stress on her AND us and hopefully make things easier as she learns. 

And! The therapist and the nurse practitioner (oh, I hope I got that title right) think it will help to start trying breast feeding twice a day. Yay! Here's hoping it works. 

I Pity the Fool

Last night, I got to give her the first feed of 40mL. She was so frantic during the first part of the feed though that when she had 15 left to go, she threw up quite a bit. Then she calmed down enough to handle the 15. We were then told this morning that she is up to 45 but she keeps throwing some of it up. They're hoping that speech therapy will help figure out what to do for this problem. 

They also want physical therapy to come in and give us some stretches and things we can do to help her neck out. She's been sleeping the same direction in the crib for so long, she can easily turn her head one way, but has trouble with the other direction. Her surgeon came by this morning and was happy with the wet to dry bandaging on her incision which is helping it close up nicely. He will be back later today to remove her central line. 

I also noticed that she had more beads which helped me finish up her fourth string. Once they add more beads to her bag, I'm going to need a fifth string to put them on. Justin jokes that he'll need a trunk to hold them all. I joke that when she wears all of these:

She's going to look like:

No wonder he's cringing while he winks. I would too with all that weight around my neck. 

Central Line

When I came in after church she was sound asleep in her swing. Once she heard me talking to the nurse she came awake and is now enjoying looking around at everything. I learned that her central line has come out a little bit so they have secured it and the surgeon will take it out tomorrow!

Mary put up two months pictures finally and they are so cute!

For now she is getting her TPN through a regular IV. She is up to 35 mL of milk almost 40. If she keeps this up then they will stop the TPN completely. For now they are just cutting it back a little bit.

Front Porch

First ride on our swing. She's trying to decide if she likes it or not. 

Ah-ha! Change the angle of the seat and she's golden. 

Mini-Me

I keep hearing how much Elizabeth looks like me. I see Justin in her too for sure. I need to find some baby pictures of him sometime to compare. But for now here's some from my baby album. 

Look Who's Talking

I love it when mommy picks me up, it just relaxes me. Unless I'm really mad about something. But she came in this morning to me crying and picked me right up. That made me feel so much better, because there were lots of people in my room, making me feel flustered. 

Mommy loves my new bow! 

Then I got handed over to some lady I don't know. She called herself a speech therapist. Ha! The jokes on her, I can't even talk yet. But she stuck her finger in my mouth and told mom and dad exactly how I tend to suck on things. They say it will help me learn how to drink better. I guess she will be back on Monday to do a full assessment.

Marked

When we got to the NICU, they had just decided to start feeding her 20mL. The nurse sat with me and coached me on what she called the modified sideline position, tipping the bottle up and down to her cues. She's getting there, but for now, suck, swallow, breathe is a puzzle for her. 

She threw up during both feeds we've been here for, but it's never a bad color and she still poops some out so we know she's getting some of it. This also means that we have both now received our parent marks as we both got throw-up on us. She's also spent quite a lot of time awake and looking around. Here's some pictures from today. 

Outside time with daddy. 

Little tootsie.

 

Dad demonstrating how he shaded her eyes while walking through the sunny part of the patio to a good seat in the shade. 

Modified sideline. 

Little fuzzy head.

This is...

This is what baby looks like when she sees her bottle and hears she can eat again.

This is what happened to 5 mL after just a few minutes.

And this is what baby looks like when she realizes she only gets 5 mL. She has been copping quite the little attitude ever since the last feed, letting us know she wants more. I wish I could give her more, but we have to ramp up slowly per the doctor. Feeds will increase to 10 mL by this evening, with more to come based on how she does.

**UPDATE: Surgeon authorized 15 mL for the afternoon feed.**

Commencement

We will...

Commence...

Feeds!!

Oh boy! MOM! Commence pumping!

And bonus shot. Since her hat didn't fit as well, I added it to the wall decor. 

Little Fighter

Put yer dukes up!

And one for the blooper reel.

Daily Affirmations

Justin has introduced me to "Stuart Smalley" from SNL. 

I kind of wonder if this was partly why she requested our baby today. I mentioned it to Mary who loves to get Elizabeth at night and she said that all the nurses love our family, not just our baby. I'm just touched by that. 

But that's ok, because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. 

On a Lighter Note

Elizabeth is two months old today!

Sharing is Caring

I've always been the type that will share most anything that I've been through. It's been a double-edged sword most all of my life because either it helps me, or I just say too much. When Obstetrix gave me a prescription for Zoloft though and gave me the choice to use it or not, I was grateful for that trait because after I started taking it, I started having thoughts. Seeing as this is Suicide Prevention Month, and it now has new meaning to me, I feel alright with sharing this. I'll just say the thoughts started out mild at first, easy to reject. But two nights in I had one very vivid, intrusive thought that put me into a very frightened state. The next day, one of the surgeons that checks on our baby could tell something was wrong and when I told her about the thoughts, she told me to promptly stop taking the depression pills.

I more or less agreed with her, but asked one of the NICU doctors if they could get me someone to talk to, to make sure this was a good course of action. I got sent a social worker instead, who was very nice, but had a lot on her plate and took most of the day to figure out what to do for me. At one point she had me call the on-call doctor at Obstetrix since that's where I got the prescription, in the hopes that he could get me in touch with the doctor that treated me, or at least get some advice. Unfortunately though, this only made the problem worse when he kept talking over me, didn't listen to anything I said and just kept insisting I go to the ER. The one time he really listened was when I told him that it was strongly suggested that I stop the meds to which he responded:

"Don't stop taking the Zoloft, it's perfectly good medication! It's your depression that's giving you those thoughts."

I wanted to tell him for the second time that I had not had the thoughts BEFORE I took the meds, but I knew he wasn't going to listen at that point. I just kept saying ok until he finally hung up. I thought of just hanging up on him, but worried he might then send someone to strong arm me into the ER. I also had a funny thought for a brief second before I had to go get some aggression out after being riled up.

It might be saying something for this day and age when even though I was severely pissed off, I thought of a meme I could make for the situation. Sad, I know. 

It would be a magical world indeed though, if all medications worked the same for everyone and didn't have adverse side effects. But they don't and if I ever get that doctor at Obstetrix, I'm going to ask for someone else. As for the end of the story, I talked to the social worker and she admitted that I wasn't the first to complain about this doctor and she went off to find more answers. As the hours passed and it started getting dark outside, I started to get severe anxiety because all of the thoughts always came at night. I ended up in the ER after all and got to stay in a safe place until I passed the 24 hour mark from my last dose and was evaluated. 

I honestly don't know what it's like for those that have thoughts like that without medication, but I urge, plead, beg, and implore anyone having suicidal thoughts to talk to someone. Get some help. Too many good people are lost to this, and it doesn't have to be that way. There are so many caring doctors, nurses, and psychiatrists out there, ready and willing to help. And yes, I'm sure Zoloft works great for certain people. But it's not for everyone. 

Today's Highlight Reel

And today she weighed in at 6lbs 8oz. 

Perspective

Yesterday I felt a range of emotions, everything from downright angry to ok, I'm fine with this. Last night after we bathed her, I washed her hair which usually makes her very relaxed and sleepy. But this time, it just didn't. I sat down with her and held her out, so she could look back at me and then realized when she was suddenly happy and rooting, I'd made a mistake. She hadn't been fed since 10 that morning, right before they made her status NPO for the hundredth time (or at least it feels like it). She thought I was going to feed her hungry stomach, but I couldn't. How do you explain to your newborn that for their own good, you can't feed them? You don't. You just hope and pray that her body heals so you can feed her again.

Everyone kept reminding me to see it from the right perspective. At least now we know what's wrong, at least her signs of hunger means she is healthy, at least, at least, at least. It still didn't dull the hurt I felt seeing her face cringe up when she realized I wasn't going to feed her. Head skritches weren't doing it for her, but eventually I started to rub her back and that seemed to calm her. Plus a binkie dipped in sugar water by the nurse seemed to help a little as well. I then handed her to daddy who got her to fall asleep before we tucked her in. I commented on one of my Facebook posts to someone that even though we're taking two steps forward and one step back all the time, the forward steps keep getting bigger and the back steps keep getting smaller. Though it was hard to say, it's true. 

I also have a new-found friend who is also going through the NICU experience, frustration, joy, and hurt. She showed me this clip that she had shared on Facebook. What a lesson on perspective. This is hard yes, but we won't be there forever, and we'll have our baby after all of this. I've had a friend suffer a loss of her child before it was born and she sent ME a care package. Everyone has their own challenge, the key is how we view it. 

https://youtu.be/RWKNwzGL8C0

Setbacks

I'm almost too afraid to go to Morenci anymore because we always seem to get a call we don't like when we do. Thankfully this one didn't involve surgery but they are stopping feeds due to what they believe to be the presence of stool in her incision site. What they believe is there is a tiny hole from her intestines to the surface that will heal on its own as long as there isn't stuff continuously going by it. Once her incision stops seeping and it looks like it has healed, they will resume feeds. They're thinking up to a week, praying it's sooner. Thank goodness this wasn't a major setback at least. 

Packages

We came to check on the house today and found a few packages in the mailbox. One had some items we have been waiting for and hope to show you soon. The other had my name on it but no return address and inside we found what is pictured above. Unsure of who it came from I eventually found a card with a long note from an old friend. We have not spoken for some time but she had quietly been following us on Facebook and knew about our baby in the NICU.

Even though we had some issues, I was very touched that she reached out to us anyway and sent this care package. Perhaps we can work on our differences and make things right again. At any rate I am glad that I was able to be open hearted about this. I particularly like this item that was in the package:

Upgrade

We got a call a bit ago and they're going to give her 10mil now each feed. Hooray!

Mobile and Milk

She sure loves her mobile. She was very enamored with it, watching it for quite some time. 

They are keeping her on 5 mil for now since they started the feeds so late yesterday. But after I finished pumping, Justin held her next to me and she latched a little. :D I think she even drank a little. So we might try to get someone from lactation down here today to help me learn how to know when she's properly latched. 

Here's hoping. 

Tonight's Weigh In

She's now had three feeds of 5 mil each and horked it down each time. Then she acts hungry after which is different than the other times she was able to eat after surgery. And her weight as of tonight?

6lbs 6oz

You go girl!

Justin Skritches while Laura Pumps

In case you need reference for this post's title:

Gonzo fiddles while George Burns. I'm guessing it was a running gag for old George. While I'll spare you a picture of me pumping, I'll share this one:

She's like her mommy, she loves head skritches. In fact just now, Justin tried to stop and she groaned, so he started again after saying sorry. But do you notice anything else???

That's right, she is tube free! They are biding their time a little bit to make sure she doesn't throw up, and then they'll start feeds. And that's our program for now. Tune in next time when we will have another update, whenever that is.