Perspective

Yesterday I felt a range of emotions, everything from downright angry to ok, I'm fine with this. Last night after we bathed her, I washed her hair which usually makes her very relaxed and sleepy. But this time, it just didn't. I sat down with her and held her out, so she could look back at me and then realized when she was suddenly happy and rooting, I'd made a mistake. She hadn't been fed since 10 that morning, right before they made her status NPO for the hundredth time (or at least it feels like it). She thought I was going to feed her hungry stomach, but I couldn't. How do you explain to your newborn that for their own good, you can't feed them? You don't. You just hope and pray that her body heals so you can feed her again.

Everyone kept reminding me to see it from the right perspective. At least now we know what's wrong, at least her signs of hunger means she is healthy, at least, at least, at least. It still didn't dull the hurt I felt seeing her face cringe up when she realized I wasn't going to feed her. Head skritches weren't doing it for her, but eventually I started to rub her back and that seemed to calm her. Plus a binkie dipped in sugar water by the nurse seemed to help a little as well. I then handed her to daddy who got her to fall asleep before we tucked her in. I commented on one of my Facebook posts to someone that even though we're taking two steps forward and one step back all the time, the forward steps keep getting bigger and the back steps keep getting smaller. Though it was hard to say, it's true. 

I also have a new-found friend who is also going through the NICU experience, frustration, joy, and hurt. She showed me this clip that she had shared on Facebook. What a lesson on perspective. This is hard yes, but we won't be there forever, and we'll have our baby after all of this. I've had a friend suffer a loss of her child before it was born and she sent ME a care package. Everyone has their own challenge, the key is how we view it. 

https://youtu.be/RWKNwzGL8C0